Dear Mr. President

Dear President Obama,

As a black person, who was born and raised in this country, seeing you elected as President of the United States brought tears to my eyes. There I was, at roughly 12am EST, on the night of November 6, 2008, crying right along with Oprah and Jessie. I have never been as proud to be an American citizen as I was at that moment. I recognize that you will be a little busy solving the economic crisis and trying to rescue our country from the brink of another Great Depression; but if you find yourself with a free moment do you think you could do me three small favors?

  1. Would you kindly pass an executive order promising that the US Census will no longer ask black people to classify themselves as Negroes? Frankly, I find it to be extremely insulting.
  2. Please apologize to the entire world for the last eight years. It would be nice if I didn’t have to be too embarrassed to travel outside the United States.
  3. Declare the day that George W. Bush leaves office a national holiday. I don’t think that I can stress enough what a monumental event that will be. Make sure you burn sage throughout the White House to get rid of all those nasty vibes.

You’ve got a lot of late nights and hard work ahead of you Mr. President. May the force be with you!!!

HarlemHarangue

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Negro? Please! (Part II)

So I’ve been rather irate about the whole “Black, African American, Negro” thing for a couple weeks now and I think I finally found an appropriate solution. First, let me make it clear that I attempted to take a more mature avenue…

Brain Leher, who hosts a show on NPR, had Hillary Clinton on as a guest to discuss the bailout. He asked listeners to call in and describe ways in which the credit crunch was personally affecting them. I called and made up some phony scenario about my credit limits being cut and begged Mr. Leher to ask Senator Clinton why black people are still classified as negroes on the census. Sufficed to say, my question never got answered by Mrs. Clinton.

Since my Senator is too busy bailing out Wall Street to care and Representative Rangel was too busy worrying about paying his back taxes to notice that his constituents were being called negroes, I’ve come up with my own form of protest…

I’m going to fill out my census and turn it in negro time!    !!

 

 

Negro? Please!

I just got my census in the mail and I want to know why African Americans are still categorized as Negroes on the United States Census!

The Great Debate

Last night’s presidential debate, broadcast live in 55 countries, was no game changer. Barak Obama appeared collected and presidential while McCain, agitated and condescending at times did an excellent job at appealing to his base.

Both candidates managed to avoid really addressing the financial crisis. While both men advocated spending cuts, neither discussed where they would cut spending when 40% of the budget is allotted to Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. McCain suggested a spending freeze and Barak Obama impressed upon the American people the importance and urgency of a financial bailout.

When asked about how they would deal with the potential nuclear threat posed by Iran, both candidates were bellicose in their response. Obama, however, supports meeting with Irani heads of state and negotiating peace. McCain, in his most condescending tone, called this suggestion “dangerous”, and accused Obama of being naïve, and legitimizing the ideas of a rogue state by agreeing to negotiate with them. Obama called McCain’s accusations preposterous and cited former Secretary of State, Dr. Henry Kissenger as a supporter of his ideas.

As expected, much of the debate was centered on Iraq. McCain continued to insist that the surge in Iraq has been successful while Obama continued to remind him that a surge would have been unnecessary if we weren’t in Iraq in the first place. Jim Leher, the moderator, asked the candidates what lessons we have learned from the war. John McCain, a Vietnam veteran, responded that the lessons from both Vietnam and Iraq are that we cannot bring our troops home defeated. The gloves came off when Obama said that the US shouldn’t have ever been in Iraq and that the United States military should have finished the job in Afghanistan and crossed the Pakistani border in an effort to locate and destroy Al Qaeda cells operating in that nation. McCain insisted that it was blatantly irresponsible for Obama to threaten Pakistan in such a way but was quickly reminded by his democratic opponent of the incident in which he so flippantly threatened to bomb Iran to the tune of the Beach Boys.

All in all the debate was rather boring and it really didn’t make any waves nor was it the kind of debate that will change any minds.

Dodging Depression

Last night the United States government took over Washington Mutual and sold it, piecemeal, to JP Morgan Chase, in the largest savings and loan bailout in US history. Much of the Washington Mutual’s troubles, like that of many other banks, were caused by defaults on high risk mortgages as well as a dramatic drop in the value of WAMU stocks over the past months.

Simultaneously, the Democrats and Republicans were busy reaching no agreement at the White House in their endeavours to bail out the rest of the nations financial institutions. Rumor has it that the gathering was actually reduced to a shouting match when the Republicans revolted against their own President by proposing a new plan that was contrary to his and, as a result, absolutely nothing was solved. At best, the solution will be our tax dollars going to purchase bad assets from the banks in order to prevent them from going belly up. If only Warren Buffet would bailout all of the banks and not just Goldman Sachs.

As our most prestigious financial institutions crumble around us, and consumer confidence is at an all time low, and retailers predict the slowest shopping season ever, the rest of us just bite our nails and pray that we are able to dodge the next Great Depression.

I’m Back

Well folks, after a long and arduous summer in California…I’m back! It’s amazing how different two regions of the same country can be. Your girl was so bored out in the deserts of Cali that she got her license to bear arms. Now i realize that all those gun nuts out there aren’t staunch defenders of the second amendment, so much as they are so crazed by the unending monotony of everyday life that they feel compelled to pick up a gun and shoot something.

When I stepped out of the taxi i literally kissed the streets of Harlem. I know that it sounds disgusting and I immediately wiped my mouth with an alcohol swab that I had handy, but those of you who have yet to see the hidden wonders of america just don’t understand how lucky we are to live in NYC.

Here is a brief list of things that i won’t miss about California:

Trailer trash, spiders, lizards, 110 degree days, roaches that are as big as out waterbugs, spiders, and gun toting ignorant bigots. Oh and did i mention the trailer trash and the spiders?

Adios Cali! Even though I’ll miss the Mexican food, drinks by the pool and the shooting range I’ll take crack heads, subways and bodega’s anyday.

“So?!”

For the first time in my life I witnessed the day when “The View” scooped “The Today Show” and every single major newspaper in the United States. Barbara Walters, bless her heart, was the only reporter on a major network news station who even mentioned a recent program in which Vice President (and considering the disgrace our current VP has brought upon the office, it pains me to put those letters in Caps) Dick Cheney was interviewed on the anniversary of the US invasion of Iraq. As he went on his usual diatribe about how he believes we are winning the war; making any sane American wonder if the man is suffering from some sort of senility, the woman interviewing him asked him how he could possibly feel that way when 2/3 of the American people think that the invasion of Iraq was a mistake.  His response, ladies and gentlemen, was, “So.”

Uh, so? We invaded another country under false pretenses and assassinated (yes I said it) it’s president. Countless brave, promising, young American men and women have given their lives and their limbs to a lie. There have been hundreds of thousands of Iraqi casualties, most of them innocent citizens. We have created a virtual hornets nest of Al-Qaeda cells where once, none existed; and have permanently destroyed America’s image in the eyes of the world and probably god. Our economy is in the toilet, we have plummeted into a national debt that our great grandchildren will still be paying off, every New Yorker has to board a subway, cross a bridge, or strap into an airplane with a sense of trepidation, and this pompous, evil animal has the audacity to say, “So.”

 Instead of reporting this story yesterday, the Rupurt Murdoch political machine printed countless stories about David Patterson’s multiple affairs. Since his infidelity isn’t killing people and lying to his wife isn’t an impeachable offense…So!