Category Archives: Harangues

General complaints and observations

I’m Back

Well folks, after a long and arduous summer in California…I’m back! It’s amazing how different two regions of the same country can be. Your girl was so bored out in the deserts of Cali that she got her license to bear arms. Now i realize that all those gun nuts out there aren’t staunch defenders of the second amendment, so much as they are so crazed by the unending monotony of everyday life that they feel compelled to pick up a gun and shoot something.

When I stepped out of the taxi i literally kissed the streets of Harlem. I know that it sounds disgusting and I immediately wiped my mouth with an alcohol swab that I had handy, but those of you who have yet to see the hidden wonders of america just don’t understand how lucky we are to live in NYC.

Here is a brief list of things that i won’t miss about California:

Trailer trash, spiders, lizards, 110 degree days, roaches that are as big as out waterbugs, spiders, and gun toting ignorant bigots. Oh and did i mention the trailer trash and the spiders?

Adios Cali! Even though I’ll miss the Mexican food, drinks by the pool and the shooting range I’ll take crack heads, subways and bodega’s anyday.

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How I Got a Parking Ticket

It was just supposed to be a simple excusion to Sal’s pizza. We figured that since we had to move the car we might as well make a munchie run to the best pizza shop in town. Lord knows it would be convenient to be able to run downstairs for a bite to eat, but since the options around here are Popeye’s, Kennedy’s and Popeye’s we decided to escape the realm of fried chicken and make a run for something more edible. Who knew that the pizza was going to cost $51.00 plus the $0.25 we put in the parking meeter before we got the ticket. 

We erroneously assumed that it should take no more than one quarter’s worth of time to buy a slice of pizza and eat it. Little did we know that the Three Stooges were ordering pizza in front of us. We sat there, waiting, while these three idiots went on a whole diatribe. The topics ranged from putting a lot of hot pepper (or red “red stuff” as Curly so elloquently put it) on the boss’ pizza so he’d get sick and send them home early; to offering manual labor for a free pie to the totally disinterested old man who works behind the counter. In a clear effort to get rid of Curly, Larry and Moe, Sal or Carmine (i still don’t know which one is which) asked Larry if his pizza was done enough. Larry responded, “I don’t know is it eat-able?”

Long story short these morons took so long ordering their pizza that by the time we got ours we had a $35.00 ticket. It occured to me that since there are still grown-ups walking the streets saying “eat-able” instead of edible that everyone who lives in this city should get there tax money back from what is clearly an ineffective public school system and that money should be put towards free parking.