“No, I cannot call you ‘&*@#$&'”

It’s bad enough that women everywhere are doomed to settle for the bare minimum. If you can find a man who actually files taxes, doesn’t live with his mother, offers to take you on a date before trying to get into your pants, and whose girlfriend won’t call you the next day asking you how you know her boo; by today’s standards, you’re doing pretty damn good. Since all the lovely ladies out there are obviously fighting an uphill battle, do guys have to make it more unpleasant by insisting upon introducing themselves with some simple ass street name. “Nice to meet you my name is ‘whatever‘ but you can call me ‘so and so‘”.

 To all the men out there here’s your answer: NO THE HELL I CANNOT! There is nothing more obscene than someone who is so blatantly arrogant that they have an alias or refer to themselves in the third person. And what is the alias for in the first damn place? Somehow i doubt that a secret agent a would be looking for anyone in PJs and even if they were, they certainly wouldn’t run around the bar introducing themselves as ‘Dangerous‘ or ‘Killer Mike‘ because that wouldn’t be very clandestine. Superheroes have integrity and should be too busy fighting crime to troll bars for inebriated, potential slides.  Even rappers have figured out that it’s probably more appropriate when you’re 30 years or older to refer to yourself by your given name. That just about covers every legitimate excuse for renaming oneself, so the only viable reason for anyone else to have an alias is pure hubris.

Listen all arrogant jackasses: If Nelson Mandela can calls himself Nelson, and William Clinton calls himself Bill; then ‘Dangerous‘, ‘Killer Mike‘ and ‘Crime Life‘ should just stick to Chris, Michael and Douglass.

“and i think to myself…what a wonderful world”

I would venture to guess that just about every black person in the United States, rather, every black person on earth wished they lived on the same planet as Geraldine Ferraro. Just to be clear she did say,

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position…And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.” (Daily Breeze, 07, March 2008)

Wouldn’t black people world wide love it if being black actually put them at an advantage. Imagine walking into a department store and the salesperson follows you around to actually help you, not to make sure that you’re not stealing. Or, check this out. What if Driving While Black (DWB) didn’t mean that you often ended up curbside while the police tore apart your car, but instead meant that if you were caught speeding you would be let off with a warning? Or even better, what if your uncle was a judge and could make all of your speeding tickets disappear? Suppose for a moment, that taxi’s actually stopped for you late at night when you were headed uptown. What if you could reach into your back pocket to grab your keys or get into a minor fender bender after your bachelor party without the police riddling you with bullets?

You know why no one really cares about who the first white governors of Utah , or New Jersey, New York, Rhoad Island, California, Montana or any of the other fifty states are? Because in Forty-Nine of them, every governor has been white.

What makes the success of Barak Obama’s campaign so significant is that he has been able to transcend the stigma of being the “black candidate” and has instead become a presidential candidate who appeals to the masses. Perhaps, he would lead Mrs. Clinton by a larger margin if he were a white man.

O Canada

I’m not really sure what upsets me more. The fact that Ralph Nader announced his candidacy for president or that there are millions of idiots who are going to be stupid enough to vote for him. Granted, Jeb Bush’s mistress did assist George in  the 2000 election; but were it not for Ralph Nader, it wouldn’t have mattered how many old, Jewish people “voted” for Pat Buchanan.

Imagine how different the world would be if Al Gore had been president. September 11 may never have happened. Our kids would be going to college instead of going to die in Iraq. Americans could travel the world without being sneered at. And most importantly our president wouldn’t have been the butt of every stupid joke told in the last eight years.

I suppose it is partially the public’s fault. After-all, a significant portion of the population did want George W for president in spite of the fact that he thought the Taliban was a rock group before they so lethally reminded us that they are a bunch of crazy fundamentalists.

So now, when we as a nation have an opportunity to elect a respectable man/woman for president, here comes Ralph. I often wonder if he is a consumer advocate or a mole who’s ultimate goal is to keep republicans in office indefinitely.

 If Mr. Nader’s candidacy results in John McCain (someone who supports the war that is destroying our country and killing our kids, and someone who was quoted as saying that he doesn’t know much about economics in the midst of a recession) i’m carrying my ass to Canada. I would much rather brave the cold than face another four years of collective stupidity.

How I Got a Parking Ticket

It was just supposed to be a simple excusion to Sal’s pizza. We figured that since we had to move the car we might as well make a munchie run to the best pizza shop in town. Lord knows it would be convenient to be able to run downstairs for a bite to eat, but since the options around here are Popeye’s, Kennedy’s and Popeye’s we decided to escape the realm of fried chicken and make a run for something more edible. Who knew that the pizza was going to cost $51.00 plus the $0.25 we put in the parking meeter before we got the ticket. 

We erroneously assumed that it should take no more than one quarter’s worth of time to buy a slice of pizza and eat it. Little did we know that the Three Stooges were ordering pizza in front of us. We sat there, waiting, while these three idiots went on a whole diatribe. The topics ranged from putting a lot of hot pepper (or red “red stuff” as Curly so elloquently put it) on the boss’ pizza so he’d get sick and send them home early; to offering manual labor for a free pie to the totally disinterested old man who works behind the counter. In a clear effort to get rid of Curly, Larry and Moe, Sal or Carmine (i still don’t know which one is which) asked Larry if his pizza was done enough. Larry responded, “I don’t know is it eat-able?”

Long story short these morons took so long ordering their pizza that by the time we got ours we had a $35.00 ticket. It occured to me that since there are still grown-ups walking the streets saying “eat-able” instead of edible that everyone who lives in this city should get there tax money back from what is clearly an ineffective public school system and that money should be put towards free parking.