Well folks, after a long and arduous summer in California…I’m back! It’s amazing how different two regions of the same country can be. Your girl was so bored out in the deserts of Cali that she got her license to bear arms. Now i realize that all those gun nuts out there aren’t staunch defenders of the second amendment, so much as they are so crazed by the unending monotony of everyday life that they feel compelled to pick up a gun and shoot something.
When I stepped out of the taxi i literally kissed the streets of Harlem. I know that it sounds disgusting and I immediately wiped my mouth with an alcohol swab that I had handy, but those of you who have yet to see the hidden wonders of america just don’t understand how lucky we are to live in NYC.
Here is a brief list of things that i won’t miss about California:
Trailer trash, spiders, lizards, 110 degree days, roaches that are as big as out waterbugs, spiders, and gun toting ignorant bigots. Oh and did i mention the trailer trash and the spiders?
Adios Cali! Even though I’ll miss the Mexican food, drinks by the pool and the shooting range I’ll take crack heads, subways and bodega’s anyday.
It’s bad enough that women everywhere are doomed to settle for the bare minimum. If you can find a man who actually files taxes, doesn’t live with his mother, offers to take you on a date before trying to get into your pants, and whose girlfriend won’t call you the next day asking you how you know her boo; by today’s standards, you’re doing pretty damn good. Since all the lovely ladies out there are obviously fighting an uphill battle, do guys have to make it more unpleasant by insisting upon introducing themselves with some simple ass street name. “Nice to meet you my name is ‘whatever‘ but you can call me ‘so and so‘”.
To all the men out there here’s your answer: NO THE HELL I CANNOT! There is nothing more obscene than someone who is so blatantly arrogant that they have an alias or refer to themselves in the third person. And what is the alias for in the first damn place? Somehow i doubt that a secret agent a would be looking for anyone in PJs and even if they were, they certainly wouldn’t run around the bar introducing themselves as ‘Dangerous‘ or ‘Killer Mike‘ because that wouldn’t be very clandestine. Superheroes have integrity and should be too busy fighting crime to troll bars for inebriated, potential slides. Even rappers have figured out that it’s probably more appropriate when you’re 30 years or older to refer to yourself by your given name. That just about covers every legitimate excuse for renaming oneself, so the only viable reason for anyone else to have an alias is pure hubris.
Listen all arrogant jackasses: If Nelson Mandela can calls himself Nelson, and William Clinton calls himself Bill; then ‘Dangerous‘, ‘Killer Mike‘ and ‘Crime Life‘ should just stick to Chris, Michael and Douglass.